The Fear and Grief Connection
The secular and church calendar feature three days celebrating fear and grief. Halloween, or All Hallows Eve, where we celebrate all things scary, followed by All Saints Day (Nov. 1) and All Souls Day (Nov. 2) on the church calendar where we remember those who have died. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” C.S. Lewis states in his book, A Grief Observed, recognizing the fear and grief connection. What is this fear and grief connection?
Symptoms of Fear and Grief
We love being scared when the danger isn’t real, as shown by slasher/horror movies. We also love a good tearjerker which allows us to cry without going through the agonies of grief. But facing this reality in real life? Not so popular.
Fear and grief are two strong, essential, human emotions. They are both connected to loss. We fear losing people and things we value: loved ones, our way of life, our freedom, our livelihood, our health. Grief is a response to these losses.
The physical symptoms of fear and grief are similar: racing heart, shallow breathing, a knot in your stomach.
“Grief and fear activate the same part of the brain: the amygdala, the control center for processing emotions and threats. When we experience loss, our brain perceives it as a kind of existential danger. The world we knew—our routines, our sense of stability, even our identity—has been disrupted. The amygdala reacts by sending out signals to protect us, flooding our body with stress hormones.” Why Does Grief Feel Like Fear? – Cognitive Psycho
Grief pushes us into unfamiliar territory, creating fear. Who am I without this person? Without this job or home? “Grief feels like fear because it leaves you reeling in uncertainty.” Fear and Grief — Grief & Loss Center
We don’t like uncertainty. Worries and fears too often fill the void of uncertainty. “This is why grief can feel like standing at the edge of a vast, dark ocean—unsure of what lies ahead and afraid to take the next step.” Why Does Grief Feel Like Fear? – Cognitive Psycho
Loss challenges our illusion of permanence, leaving us face to face with our own mortality. “Ultimately, both fear and grief highlight the human struggle to find meaning and resolution in the face of life’s inevitable uncertainties ((Bandes et al., 2008)).” Fear and It’s Role in the Grieving Process – AIHCP
The Enneagram on Fear and Grief
The Enneagram speaks of basic fears related to each of the nine personality types. “Enneagram fears are the core threats your personality strives to avoid—often learned early in life and reinforced by experience. They quietly shape what you notice, how you interpret events, and the strategies you use to feel safe and valuable.” Enneagram Fears by type
As a five on the Enneagram, my basic fear is of being helpless, incapable, overwhelmed, or invaded. This explains why I get so frustrated over technology. The amount of knowledge and its constant changing overwhelms me.
There are nine Enneagram levels of development, reflecting psychological health with one being the highest level of functioning and nine the least healthy. Each day I receive a reflection on the Enneagram from the Enneagram Institute including a teaching to help navigate through these levels. I’ve been reflecting on the following from one of my daily readings.
“Why don’t we attain Level 1 and stay there? The Basic Fear comes into play. It takes a long time to be able to tolerate the state of fear and well of grief—to be able to sit with it, to recognize it, to burn it off. It takes many small steps. Maybe a microsecond. Then a minute.”
What does it mean to sit with both fear and grief? Why is it so challenging?
The Fear and Grief Connection
There are many reason for grief in this world. I grieve over all the needless deaths in wars brought on by greed and the pursuit of power. And I fear continued deaths from these wars and an escalation of destruction. I fear the wild west of AI and what that might mean for society. I fear the loss of lives through natural disasters while resources that could be used to protect people are being used to destroy them.
So, I sit with these two companions, fear in one hand, grief in the other. And I chose hope over despair, love over death. Then I go on with my day, ready for whatever lay ahead.
It is uncomfortable to sit with fear and grief, pain and uncertainly. To sit with loss. Only love makes it possible
Loss, our fear of it and grief over our losses, that’s the fear and grief connection. Underlying this is love. “Grief and fear are evidence of how deeply we’ve loved and how much we yearn to protect what matters most to us.” Why Does Grief Feel Like Fear? – Cognitive Psycho
I accept the challenge to love, to sit with loss and face the fear and grief connection. What about you?
Walking with Families through Grief and Dying
Are you struggling with grief, especially as the holidays approach? My book, Walking with Families through Grief – Patricia M Robertson, is designed to help families deal with grief. Or if you or a loved one are in the process of dying, my book, Walking with Families through the Dying Process – Patricia M Robertson, will help you navigate these uncharted waters. Both are written in clear, easy to understand language.
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